As the adult child of aging parents, you may find yourself in a difficult place. Even as an adult, you probably view your parents as authority figures. They told you to tie your shoes and clean your room, and later offered guidance and wisdom as you navigated the milestones that come with adulthood.
As parents age, the parent-child dynamic shifts. The roles blur and may even reverse completely as age affects your parents’ physical and mental abilities. There comes a point when you need to consider discussing assisted living with parents who may not be safe living alone.
The conversation can be particularly difficult if one or both of your parents is unaware of their limitations or is staunchly determined to remain independent in their familiar home. A compassionate, caring approach that focuses on what your parent(s) stands to gain from a transition to assisted living can open the door to a more open, comfortable discussion about your loved one’s future.
When to Broach the Subject of Assisted Living
One of the greatest challenges of discussing assisted living with parents who may not be receptive is timing. It may feel like a careful balancing act of honoring their wishes and trying to return the loving protection and care they’ve given you through the years.
While you may not agree with your parents’ decision, ultimately, if at least one of them is of sound mind (meaning they are cognitively able to understand the potential risks), the decision to age in place or move is their own to make. However, if you’re deeply concerned about their safety or quality of life, it’s a conversation worth having.
A best-case scenario is discussing assisted living with parents who are far from needing additional support. A conversation based on future wishes and desires, rather than the need for imminent change, is likely to be less emotional.
Together, you can discuss the pros and cons of assisted living and gather insight about where your parents’ concerns lie, so you can gather information to help answer their questions and ease their minds. This leaves the door open for ongoing discussion and allows your parents to express their thoughts about when to consider assisted living.
Unfortunately, circumstances don’t always allow those conversations to happen ahead of time, and you may find yourself considering how to approach the subject with the knowledge that a change needs to happen sooner rather than later.
Adding complexity to this conundrum is the reality that no two parents—even your own two parents—are likely to travel the exact same path of aging. Sometimes the need for extra support emerges gradually, and other times there’s a major event that signals an abrupt change, such as an injury or illness.
Some signs a loved one needs assisted living may include:
- Changes in typical hygiene habits, such as irregular bathing and grooming
- A sudden weight gain or loss, which could signal irregular or poorly managed nutrition
- Missed doctor’s appointments
- Signs of neglect around the home, such as piles of untended dishes or laundry
- Unexplained scrapes or bruises that may be the result of falls
- Financial problems, such as missed bills or bounced checks
- Changes in behavior, including overall mood and memory
How to Discuss Assisted Living with Compassion
While recognizing these signs that your parent needs support gives you a good reason to approach the topic of assisted living, chances are good that they won’t be receptive (and may even become embarrassed or defensive) if your concerns sound more like an attack or criticism. Instead, use these compassionate communication strategies to initiate a productive conversation:
Be thoughtful about whether you talk to both parents at once or each of them individually. The best approach may depend on whether they both need added care and whether one is more likely than the other to be interested in exploring the idea of assisted living.
Go into the conversation with realistic expectations. It may take several different discussions over a period of time for your parent to grow more agreeable to the idea of assisted living.
Rather than rattling off a long list of worries, focus on the one or two areas that concern you most—likely the areas that pose greatest risk to your parent’s well-being. Raising too many issues at once can feel overwhelming, and less pressing concerns may be dismissed before you get to the real problems.
Focus on your parent’s needs, not your own. For example, avoid talking about your lack of sleep from worry or your guilt about living too far away to be more help. Instead, focus on your concern that a series of minor falls could eventually result in a serious injury that requires hospitalization and rehabilitation.
Listen to understand your parent’s perspective, not just to respond or counter the reasons they may resist making a change. They may have very valid reasons for wanting to stay put, and hearing those thoughts with an open mind may lead you toward a resolution that suits everyone.
Be prepared to offer options. If your parent isn’t agreeable to an immediate change, explore how you can make less drastic changes to improve their safety and quality of life. For example, could you enlist a home aide for in-home care? Can you begin doing the grocery shopping so your parent has access to fresh, nutritious ingredients? Would having a regular housekeeper make your parent’s home more livable?
Gather information so you’re well-informed about the benefits of assisted living and how your parent’s personal situation could improve by making a change. Remember that senior living communities in general, and especially assisted living communities, look very different today from what your parent may envision.
What Your Parent Needs to Know About Assisted Living
One of your priorities in discussing assisted living with parents who aren’t quite on board is offering reassurance about the benefits assisted living can bring. Ultimately, transitioning to assisted living can create a better quality of life.
One of the greatest misconceptions about assisted living is the notion that residents sacrifice their independence to move into an assisted living community. That’s actually the opposite of the truth. Senior living communities are designed to help older adults retain their independence for as long as possible.
Often, providing a little helping hand in one area of an older adult’s life allows them to flourish in other ways. For example, if your parent habitually forgets to take their medications, getting their meds administered correctly and on time can make a significant difference in their overall health.
The same is true for activities of daily living, like bathing, brushing teeth and grooming. A little support in these areas goes a long way toward better health, but it also boosts confidence and leaves seniors feeling more energized. What’s more, the daily routine can provide a sense of comfort, and seniors may even learn new tricks to accomplish the tasks more autonomously.
Other benefits of assisted living include the opportunity to socialize with peers who are in a similar stage of life, as well as access to community amenities that promote wellness and nurture residents’ personal interests and hobbies.
At Canterbury Court, private assisted living apartments feature kitchenettes, washers and dryers, and walk-in closets with thoughtful design and materials. Residents have easy access to the entire campus, including the beloved Legacy Gardens, heated pool, wellness center, library and multiple dining rooms.
If you need more information before you begin discussing assisted living with parents who could benefit from additional support, download our free guide or contact a member of our team.